Any musical number that starts with the lyrics ‘The state of Florida has asked us to/Disclose our sexual crimes to you’ has got to be funny and worth watching right? That’s what I thought and I wasn’t disappointed. It is the year 1988. A cop from Miami-Dade County police introduces this handful of sex offenders by saying that they have been obliged by the law to tell the public about their misdemeanors. The sex offenders look hilariously bad – they have appalling moustaches, some wear neck braces, others wear bright orange track suits. They can barely dance, putting feet wrong every second and their rap skills leave a lot to be desired.

They state that what they are doing is the ‘Sex Offender Shuffle’

Then we get little fact files of each individual criminal and their ‘criminal record’ if you know what I mean. Each one then does a little solo rap, explaining a little about themselves and how they got to be in trouble. One criminal couldn’t ski until December, because until then he’s a sex offender. Just as the orange-clad criminal is about to tell us all about what he snuck into a bathroom and did, the very eighties video footage screws up and we don’t get to hear about it, which is probably lucky for him. The cheesiness really amps up when a sax player joins them, the sex offender shuffle starting to sound almost New Romantic.

Maybe most of the New Romantic bands were sex offenders, who knows? The only woman criminal in the group entertains us with a rap that features the lyrics, ‘You won’t find me in your child’s play set/’Cos I gotta wear this ankle bracelet’. The last guy doesn’t even rap, he just proclaims his innocence, saying he has been the victim of an extortion plot by his wife who was the only witness to the supposed crime. He is soon stopped in his tracks by a cop wielding a shotgun and gets back to dong a half-hearted rap as badly as all the others. You have to watch the clip all the way through because when the guitar solo kicks in, you get to see some real bad dancing from these funky sex offenders.

Amongst all the condom joke commercials there have been, this has to be pretty highly ranked: watch this crazy kid smash a supermarket up and lie on his back howling before the killer punchline is delivered. You know from the start there’s gonna be a whole lotta trouble as the sour-faced little brat moodily dumps items into the shopping trolley while Dad (who looks a lot like a young Boris Becker) watches with sheer misery.

Then brat features starts demanding sweets at the top of his voice.

Dad tells him to be quiet but this is just like a red rag to a bull, the kid losing his mind and firstly pulling and pushing the trolley then doing a demolition job on the various items for sale. As the annoying little brat lies on the floor yowling like a cat with its “*&^ stuck in a mangle, the advice ‘Use condoms’ underlines Dad’s pained expression. According to You Tube, this clip was banned but I find that hard to understand. There are no rude or lewd goings-on just maybe a bit of ironic anti-child sentiment which might have been enough to get it stopped from being broadcast in certain liberal European countries who knows? The extra laughs here are added by the other customers in the supermarket who look on with incredulity at the way this terrible brat is acting up – like some feverish junky in need of a hit.

They say that sugar is quite an addictive

and destructive substance and overdoses of it used to make me hyperactive as a kiddy that’s for sure. The worst thing that the dad in this commercial could have done is give in to his son’s bullying and got him the sweets. As condom jokes go, this has to be up there with that classic piece of graffiti that was famous in the UK in the 1970s.

In a public restroom just

above a condom machine some wit had written ‘This is the worst chewing gum I have ever tasted’. Heh heh, those contraceptive devices will always have a whole heap of comic mileage from now until the end of time.

Someone should have told the poor kid in this clip that Unreal Tournament is just a game and that you shouldn’t try to replicate what happens in it in your own bedroom. This is 4 and a half minutes of wailing, smashing, desk-sweeping, computer-assaulting and general all-round frustration which would be tragic if it wasn’t so goddamn funny. The root of this tetchy German kid’s annoyance is the fact that his game won’t load fast enough – what a terrible thing! It’s not like he’s going hungry or sleeping rough or anything like that.

The camera angle in this sequence is great: we get to see this kid up close and personal as his face gets redder and he starts to say and do more and more hilarious stuff. The funniest thing has to be his curious demand that the computer should ‘eat its melted shit’. It takes quite a lot of imagination to work out how precisely that would happen but never mind. The English subtitles translating this German kid’s poisonous words are very helpful and we get a real glimpse into the sheer range of colorful Teutonic swear words that exist.

It must be the case that this kid will grow up to be one of those anger-fuelled old men with permanently sour faces who rant about everything from the weather to their granddaughter’s boyfriend to the sports results. Even when this kid gets the computer game working he doesn’t cool down, breathlessly, almost worriedly asking ‘Which son of a bitch is shooting at me?” before losing the game at the very last minute of the clip and wailing like a banshee who’s just seen his entire family killed in a freak accident.

He moves gear up into a horrible Mike Patton-style squeal and begins beating the £$*& out of his keyboard against the desk, its buttons flying every which way. Where are his parents while all this is going on? Somehow the kid’s announcement that ‘I don’t want to wait I want to play!’ at the 1 minute mark seems to sum up his whole generation.

It has been over 2000 years since the lord and savior Jesus Christ died on the cross to absolve us from all of our sins. After an extended period of relative inactivity, aside from a few brief appearances on some crisps and cappuccino froth – Jesus is back. This time he is back for real and is just as inspiring as ever. Take a close look at the latest coming of the son of God but don’t get too close he really does have stinky breath!

Police have released pictures of a mouse wanted for performing necrophilia on certain animals in the Herefordshire area. The pictures, presumably taken by an accomplice to the mouse were described by a criminal psychologist as ‘an evil and disturbing way for the mouse to both gloat about the crimes he has committed and to also keep as a memento to his sexual depravity’.

Police were given a lead into the case last weekend when the mouse struck again only to find that the badger he was humping wasn’t in fact dead and was just sleeping. The police hope to question the badger after they are treated for shock.