Any musical number that starts with the lyrics ‘The state of Florida has asked us to/Disclose our sexual crimes to you’ has got to be funny and worth watching right? That’s what I thought and I wasn’t disappointed. It is the year 1988. A cop from Miami-Dade County police introduces this handful of sex offenders by saying that they have been obliged by the law to tell the public about their misdemeanors. The sex offenders look hilariously bad – they have appalling moustaches, some wear neck braces, others wear bright orange track suits. They can barely dance, putting feet wrong every second and their rap skills leave a lot to be desired.

They state that what they are doing is the ‘Sex Offender Shuffle’

Then we get little fact files of each individual criminal and their ‘criminal record’ if you know what I mean. Each one then does a little solo rap, explaining a little about themselves and how they got to be in trouble. One criminal couldn’t ski until December, because until then he’s a sex offender. Just as the orange-clad criminal is about to tell us all about what he snuck into a bathroom and did, the very eighties video footage screws up and we don’t get to hear about it, which is probably lucky for him. The cheesiness really amps up when a sax player joins them, the sex offender shuffle starting to sound almost New Romantic.

Maybe most of the New Romantic bands were sex offenders, who knows? The only woman criminal in the group entertains us with a rap that features the lyrics, ‘You won’t find me in your child’s play set/’Cos I gotta wear this ankle bracelet’. The last guy doesn’t even rap, he just proclaims his innocence, saying he has been the victim of an extortion plot by his wife who was the only witness to the supposed crime. He is soon stopped in his tracks by a cop wielding a shotgun and gets back to dong a half-hearted rap as badly as all the others. You have to watch the clip all the way through because when the guitar solo kicks in, you get to see some real bad dancing from these funky sex offenders.

If you find sex funny but blown-up animated condoms behaving like dogs on heat even funnier then check this madcap commercial out. Created by Durex, the makers of the contraceptives, the level of detail is astonishing from the sheer range of sexual positions right down to the little squeaks the Durex doggies make when they make sweet love to each other. I counted no less than 6 sexual positions here, from the good old-fashioned missionary position to the 69 to a kind of conga line of sodomy – if these had been depicted in live action using real actors you don’t have to be a genius to know that this madcap commercial would never have made it on to TV, but hurray for Youtube!

The tagline at the end of this madcap commercial is ‘Get it on’

and these dirty Durex dogs do just that with real gusto. First off there’s two of them going at it like they’re sexaholics until a third party – ominously colored orange but still in the form of a blown-up condom dog – gets a sniff of what’s going on and wants a piece of the action whereupon things get a whole lot weirder with proper threesome sex craziness. Suffice to say, these latex lapdogs collapse on the floor due to fatigue before deciding they want more and getting back into the swing of things. Along with the squeaks coming from the friction of these naughty dogs doing their business with each other, there are also little squeaks of pleasure that disturbingly enough sound like they belong in a children’s show rather than in an adult Durex commercial.

I wonder if this clip will grow in popularity and these Durex dogs

will become well-known across the worldwide web. They’re so funny and crazy that they really deserve the fame. They’re also so adept at sexual positions, appearing to know them all… and some more, that they might teach us humans a thing or two. Perhaps they could perform in their own TV version of the Joy of Sex? Who knows?

It has been over 2000 years since the lord and savior Jesus Christ died on the cross to absolve us from all of our sins. After an extended period of relative inactivity, aside from a few brief appearances on some crisps and cappuccino froth – Jesus is back. This time he is back for real and is just as inspiring as ever. Take a close look at the latest coming of the son of God but don’t get too close he really does have stinky breath!