Sep
24

Brilliantly Funny 1980s Sex Offender Dance

by Chinty
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Any musical number that starts with the lyrics ‘The state of Florida has asked us to/Disclose our sexual crimes to you’ has got to be funny and worth watching right? That’s what I thought and I wasn’t disappointed. It is the year 1988. A cop from Miami-Dade County police introduces this handful of sex offenders by saying that they have been obliged by the law to tell the public about their misdemeanors. The sex offenders look hilariously bad – they have appalling moustaches, some wear neck braces, others wear bright orange track suits. They can barely dance, putting feet wrong every second and their rap skills leave a lot to be desired.

They state that what they are doing is the ‘Sex Offender Shuffle’

Then we get little fact files of each individual criminal and their ‘criminal record’ if you know what I mean. Each one then does a little solo rap, explaining a little about themselves and how they got to be in trouble. One criminal couldn’t ski until December, because until then he’s a sex offender. Just as the orange-clad criminal is about to tell us all about what he snuck into a bathroom and did, the very eighties video footage screws up and we don’t get to hear about it, which is probably lucky for him. The cheesiness really amps up when a sax player joins them, the sex offender shuffle starting to sound almost New Romantic.

Maybe most of the New Romantic bands were sex offenders, who knows? The only woman criminal in the group entertains us with a rap that features the lyrics, ‘You won’t find me in your child’s play set/’Cos I gotta wear this ankle bracelet’. The last guy doesn’t even rap, he just proclaims his innocence, saying he has been the victim of an extortion plot by his wife who was the only witness to the supposed crime. He is soon stopped in his tracks by a cop wielding a shotgun and gets back to dong a half-hearted rap as badly as all the others. You have to watch the clip all the way through because when the guitar solo kicks in, you get to see some real bad dancing from these funky sex offenders.

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